Hey Jealousy pt 2 – Her side

15 Nov

Jealousy makes me feel more secure…hmmm.

The below post makes it sound as though I almost enjoy jealousy in a relationship. That could not be further from the truth. I find it to be a silly emotion and hate the fact that it even creeps up in me from time to time. Especially the fact that I tend not to let emotions rule my life. As WLSG (world’s last single guy) stated, almost every aspect of my life is grounded in logic and fact. This feeling of jealousy, however, is different. It is completely emotional, illogical, and out of my control. Now don’t get me wrong, I can hide it, tuck it away, and pretend it’s not there, but that doesn’t change the thoughts that are racing through my head or the sick feeling in my stomach.

I think I may be getting off track here. Let me start from the beginning.

I HATE EX-GIRLFRIENDS. And this is with a fiery passion. I hate the fact that there has been someone else on this planet who has shared intimacy with my man.  However, this is completely a double edge sword. I don’t want my thirty-one year old boyfriend to not have dated anyone. That would just be creepy and a little sad.

Look at that left eye!

A prime example? I suppose his internet girlfriend could count.

On the flip side, WLSG has it completely right. I couldn’t care less about any new women in his life. I do not view these women as any sort of threat to me. I am perfectly fine with the seemingly unending line of women hitting on him at his job to a stripper rubbing her boobies all up in his face. Neither of these would make me bat an eye. In fact, I find hearing the stories about them humorous. So why is it that the minute I even hear even the name of an ex-girlfriend I see red (or green I suppose would be more appropriate, very Christmassy).

Cute outfit!

Her and I would be best friends, but if his ex showed up in a garbage bag I would want to strangle the ho-ho whore with tinsel.

To be fair WLSG has never given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me, but as I said this feeling is never logical. On a sadder note, this illogical thinking has led me down the wrong path a time or two. Let me explain…

I have the sort of brain where knowledge is definitely power. If I don’t know about something you better believe I have googled it and extensively read about it. I am also really good at finding things about people on the internet (I blame my brother for teaching me and, yes, I realize this is just internet stalking, but damn am I good at it). These two traits (along with boredom and access) fuel my all-consuming need to know everything about these exes.  However, I am never exactly sure what I am looking for. Again it doesn’t matter what I find, I will always despise these women.

That's hot

I may be small, but I am scrappy. Bring it on bitches.

Now this power of googling has saved me some challenges in the past (finding out a guy I was dating was withholding important information such as having a child), but mostly it is just a torture device for myself. I find pictures, facebooks, twitters, pinterests, news articles, random websites they have posted on, job information and even addresses (and yes as I am typing this I realize how crazy I sound, but hell, it’s the truth). I usually know more about his exes than the guy I am dating does or would ever want to (hint: she was a total slag in college). And for the love of God I ask you, Why? These horrible women (yep I went there) make no difference to my life or my relationship and I certainly can’t change things that have happened in the past.

I promise this long rant and back story has a purpose. All of this brings me back to the fact that his moment of jealousy made me feel more…secure. This is not because I relish in drama and feel that jealousy is needed in a relationship. It made me feel more secure because he was feeling some of the same things I was feeling. It felt as though because he understood my perspective we could have a real, honest talk about it, and we did.

Granted, no talk could take away all the random thoughts swirling in my head. Is she skinnier than me? Funnier? Better hair? Better smile? Did she cup his balls during sex in just that right way?

And the big two…Does he miss her? And does he compare me to her?

I wish I could end this post by saying something truly meaningful and wise. Some word of advice to keep other women from tumbling down the same path I have taken, but to be honest I am not sure I am any wiser. These feelings (and abilities) are still inside me. It is something that will go away slowly, day by day, as the relationship grows. I have to accept there is no quick fix.

I also have to accept that when I have insomnia at 3 o’clock in the morning the Google fairy will strike again.

Women of the internet, am I alone in this?


4 Responses to “Hey Jealousy pt 2 – Her side”

  1. Jess November 16, 2013 at 12:41 am #

    You are not alone! I think it’s in our nature, or at least I’m going to blame it it on that (which I usually do). I’ve definitely been there- I don’t want him to have shared any moment I cherish with him, with anyone else- everrrr. My boyfriend is 31 also, so he’s been around the block- oy!

    • worldslastsingleguy November 16, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

      Yep, by the time they are in their 30s they have been around town :). I just have to remember that his past has made him who he is today.

  2. Cassi November 16, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    So glad to hear I’m not the only one with these feelings, crazy as they may be. I have been with my man for 6 years now, married for 1.5 of those years. I still sometimes have feelings of jealousy toward his exes, especially those from high school. I want to punch those bitches in the face for being there before me with younger tighter bodies and less responsibilities leading to more fun. I always have to remind myself that he choose to leave those girls and move on. We met and have been together ever since. If he wanted them he could have stayed with them but he choose not to. I have to remind myself that he worships the ground I walk on and he can’t get enough of me. He and I are lucky we have each other and those other girls… They are just chicks from the past that I HOPE are jealous of me because he choose to spend the rest of his life with ME.

    • worldslastsingleguy November 16, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      It definitely helps to hear others have gone through the same and you are correct, these great guys chose to be with us.

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