A book? Maybe?

27 Nov

So something peculiar happened this evening.  I was relating an incident on Facebook (and if you haven’t friended me yet than you don’t deserve to know what happened) that had occurred but minutes prior and a friend of mine had said I should write a book, as it was the funniest thing she had read all day.

So, instead of working on my homework (which is Industrial/Organizational Psychology and thus really has no fit place in the matters of love and relationships), I started writing about my hard luck with women.  To stay accurate, I went back as far as I could remember.  As far back as to when I would become The World’s Last Single Guy.  What I find interesting is how the words are simply coming out of me, which means I will probably give this up tomorrow, so hey, check out what I’ve done so far…

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I do not write this as a memoir, as I’m still alive and kicking (it) right here on cheery old planet Earth.  I write this more as a journal to share to others, perhaps as a lesson plan on what to AVOID in your time.  I do hope that one doesn’t assume I am attempting to rip off those like Tucker Max.  I have read Mr. Max’s works before, and if anything they inspired me to put my thoughts into words and share to others.  That’s why I created The World’s Last Single Guy blog (www.worldslastsingleguy.com), to sort of share the crazy that is occurring in my life.  I once hoped to gain insight on why such craziness occurred to me, but over time I think the overall humor of it all won over.  So here goes.  My history with the opposite sex.

1.  The Beginning

                I think it is important to mention my notice of the opposite sex.  It all began in first grade, when two women caught my eye and I never really had a shot at either.  The first was my teacher, Mrs. Thorton.  Yeah, weird, but there was something about her that I just wanted to be with.  She wasn’t a tall lady, and if memory serves correctly she often wore those types of dresses you would see on Little House on the Prairie.  She was from Texas, also, so maybe it was the accent.  Thinking back, the only way I am positive she was a female was because the word “Mrs.” appeared before her last name.  She would let me listen to Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al” on the cassette player during free time.  I remember once inviting her to come over during the summer as my parents would be buying a Crocodile Mile that she and I could play on.  Funny how my parents never did buy me that, but if she were to come over, you can bet I would beg them to go get one as soon as possible.  I was a resourceful first grader.  She would reward the students who received good grades by allowing the students to trade the “stars” they earned towards a reward, the ultimate reward being her treating you to lunch at McDonalds.  Now, I grew up in a small town outside of Toledo, and my grade school was stuck within a decent distance from a McDonalds in any direction.  The day finally arrived when I had earned enough stars to be taken to lunch, and so had two other people.  My buddy Ken Caldwell, and my second interest, Nicole Chase.  The key moment to my relationship with Mrs. Thorton occurred when she had asked me why I had insisted on eating my french fries prior to eating my cheeseburger.  My response, and this says so much about me even to this day, was “so when I burp, I can still taste the burger.”  Anyhow, Ms. Chase…

Nikki, as she went by, was just cute as a ridiculous button.  I cannot remember my serious affiliation with her, but by goodness it existed.  I think it was more of an infatuation, which would make sense as that Rod Stewart song was only about eight years old by this point.  Let’s just go as far as to say that this never panned out, but life does come full circle as she is now a friend of mine via social networking, and every time I see a picture of her that childlike wonderment returns.  Crazy.

Nothing ever really occurred during second grade, as this was the period where I got all imaginative (though I probably was prior to), because all I can really remember is bringing my little brother, who was a baby, in for show and tell (seriously now, who does that?  I do, because I’m awesome) and building a monster truck out of Legos without instructions.  To this day, that monster truck still impresses the hell out of me.  It had all the things that go on a monster truck without being a monster truck kit!  I also remember pretending it was a Transformer, a toy that turned into a robot, but it wasn’t.  In the television show the robot would make these sounds like “bee-bo-bo-bop” and transform into whatever it was it was transforming to.  Because I was using Legos, I had to disassemble the entire thing and turn it into my robot figure completely.  This often ended up with me going “bee-bo-bo-bop” over and over for about half an hour.  Recess always flew by so fast.

I didn’t really hit my stride until about 3rd, or maybe it was fourth grade.  I remember I was in Mrs. Schelt’s class, and with me in said class were about 8 other males and maybe 4 females.  Of the four, I had my eyes set on Kelly Druckenmiller, with Erin Quigg coming in a close second place.  I just remember picking out their specific Valentine’s Day cards out of the box of Ninja Turtles cards that said something like, “Cowabunga, be mine” or something.  It was more direct than like, “Hope you have a Tubular Valentines!”  or some such nonsense.  What really happened was when I started to recognize the change in the body by fourth grade, even though they hadn’t occurred to me just yet.

Now, it should be noted that at this time my parents had purchased their first CD player, ever.  The first two CD’s were Damn Yankees, which was a super group consisting of Ted Nugent of Ted Nugent fame, Tommy Shaw of Styx fame, Jack Blades of Night Ranger fame, and Michael Cartellone of no fame what so ever, and Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood.   Now while the Damn Yankees CD was awesome, and I’m actually listening to it as I write this, it was the Dr. Feelgood album that really struck me.  This was after the Crue’s whole devil worshipping mystery and hair spray and eye liner, so that helps.  They had a song called, “She Goes Down.”  This song, as I would hope most would be able to decipher from the title alone, was about a female performing oral sex.  At the time I heard it, a fourth grader mind you, I just thought maybe she went down things instead of up them, like she lays down, or she goes down a fire pole.  Actually writing about this now is hilarious because clearly, every example I have given still brings sex to mind.  Anyhow, I had no idea what oral sex was.  Honestly I thought the vagina was just below the belly button but still located on the front side of a woman, sort of like a penis is for a man.  Thinking back on this, it would make more sense to have the vagina where it is, as sexual positions, except that one that animals use often, would be so much more comfortable.  But anyhow, yeah.

A classmate of mine, Sterling Clark, at the time had told me the night prior he had a dream about these big breasted women who had joined him in his bedroom.  Now, and remember I was in fourth grade, but I knew what big breasts looked like.  At the time, MTV would still air music videos, and that was the best place to get insight as to how women should, but often don’t, develop if they wanted to be whores.   Sterling then told me that when he woke up he was soaked.  Trying to stay along with him, I replied, “Oh man, you peed the bed?”  Apparently my comedic timing was spot on then as it is now.  Sterling told me that no, he had not peed the bed, but had had a “wet dream.”  Now as I write this, and some may say I am simply lying, but I have never, EVER had one of these.  Weird?  Probably cause I wear jeans to bed?  That’s a lie, I simply do not know why this has ever happened, but in hindsight I’m thankful it hasn’t as my laundry was never an awkward thing to talk about.  Except that time my mom found a condom in my jeans about 3 years prior to me actually ever losing my virginity, but more on that later.

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4 Responses to “A book? Maybe?”

  1. Nikki Agler November 27, 2012 at 3:33 am #

    You crack me up! I see a best seller though 😉

    • worldslastsingleguy November 27, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

      I’m hoping your visions are spot on, Nikki! I also suffered from insomnia last night!

  2. Jamie Baier November 27, 2012 at 7:36 am #

    While it may give me the heebie jeebies reading the subject matter ( 🙂 ), your writing skills are amazing 🙂

    • worldslastsingleguy November 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

      Lol you are amazing for using the term “heebie jeebies.” I am looking through what I’ve got thus far and nothing grossly inappropriate

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