16 Apr

The dating script:

According to Feenstra (2011), our minds create both schemas and scripts.  A schema is the organization of our knowledge on certain things, while a script is the list of events that occur within a schema.  So far, so good, right?  When I was robbed at gun-point, my schema of the mugger was pretty accurate, as my perception as to what a mugger would look like, or my schema, was already there.  If the mugger had been wearing all pink, it would be so far outside of my schema that I would probably remember that.  Instead, nothing stood out and I THINK (that’s terrible, I really can’t pinpoint it) he was African-American, but only because my schema tells me that (that is NOT racist, by the way.  Welcome to Toledo).
Now scripts, however, are a different ball game.  I’m sitting here reading about these scripts to certain situations, and isn’t my textbook nice enough to use dating as an example?   Apparently my electronic form of college course materials knows that I have the WORST luck at dating.  Anyhow, it goes on to say that a surveyed group of college students were asked to create a list of expectations for a first date.  Oddly enough, women choose 19 similar things, while men chose an astonishing 27 things.  Twenty seven.  Most of us men can’t even pick out matching socks, yet we list 27 things we expect (or are expected) to do on a first date.  Namely, pick the female up and take her to dinner, then proceed to take her to a movie after, and of course pay for both.  Some may call that chivalry, but to know that our culture, and perhaps others (I wouldn’t know, I am hardly in touch with our own culture), have created a preset list that includes the men paying for these things in hopes of getting the woman to like him….wow.  Just, freaking wow.

The thing that really stuck with me, the reason for this mini-tirade, is the following line, repeated verbatim from the book, “When partners share a script for how their relationship should develop, they show greater relationship satisfaction (Holmberg & MacKenzie, 2002, cited in Feenstra, 2011).”  That.  That is the thing I am missing.  So anyone have any decent idea at how to get both parties to discuss their “scripts”?  Any success stories?  I’m all ears, here, people.  Otherwise, it’s off to read more psychology.

Reference (yes I am doing this college style, don’t judge)

Feenstra, J. (2011). Introduction to Social Psychology. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc

I can't open my eyes for pictures.

If I were an actual college professor, I'd probably wear a hat like this.


6 Responses to “Scripts…bleh…”

  1. E.S. Cameron April 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    I think this blog post is a pretty good segue into, “What’s your script?” As hard as it might be, one of you has to ask the other, “What are your expectations of this relationship?” and (even harder) you both have to be honest about your answers.

    As genders go, we’re both taught by society that there are certain things that we don’t tell the other gender, or things we have to lie about, in order not to scare the potential partner off. It’s twisted, really – you have to trust someone, all the while knowing there’s a X% chance that person is lying to you so you’ll stay with him/her.

    • worldslastsingleguy April 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

      Very insightful, yet so very disheartening. Sigh… Thank you for your reply, though! Crap, I’m treating THIS like my college message board now!

      • E.S. Cameron April 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

        Sorry, I didn’t mean to be disheartening! I actually think that understanding the obstacles you face can increase your chances for success. And if you’re genuine, you have a better chance of attracting people who are also genuine.

  2. Chrissy April 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    See, Frank and i do this all the time. We are very big on expectations and making sure the other one knows what they are. For example, I expect us to start a family soon. He is good with that. He expects us to both play Diablo III this summer (priorities, right, lol?) so we can play together. And I am good with that too. If we didn’t talk to each other about those things, they could get in the way of each other and an argument would ensue. Ninety percent of interpersonal problems occur from unmet unverbalized expectations.

    • Chrissy April 16, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

      You know who didn’t do this? My ex husband 🙂

      • worldslastsingleguy April 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

        I like Frank’s priorities! And by ex-husband, you mean the guy who accused me of sleeping with you? Hrmmm…. 😛 I have a good piece on tap for tomorrow (writing, not ass), but I agree one hundred percent with what you’re saying. I see (and I am just as guilty) so many people expect their significant other to have telepathy. I wouldn’t want that to happen, because I can barely control what’s happening upstairs. I don’t think it’s safe for visitors.

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