And now for something

28 Sep

completely different.

(If you caught the Monty Python reference, and said it out loud in a British accent, bonus points for you)

It looks tame, but this show was explosively funny.

Because I’m not dating (yet?), I figured I may as well talk about something else.  I wasn’t really keen on ideas, until I stepped outside today.

What a literal cluster fuck.  Someone once told me it’s overcast in Ohio 80% of the year.  This person was not a math or meteorology wizard, but a pot-head, so you know, random facts by pot-heads are normally 80% true.  Unless I’m high right now too.  Dunno about that one.

So, today summer officially, in my mind, ended.  It was a cold rain today.  And by God, it would not stop raining.  I wanted to run a few errands as I get two random days off per week and was blessed with today being one of them.  Apparently, every idiot in the village/town/suburb I live in also had the day off, and they too decided to drive in front of me.

#1) I went to Wal-Mart.  I love going to Wal-Mart.  Not because of their super low prices, but because people watching at Wal-Mart makes me feel 120% better about myself.  This may sound mean, and I’m sure from another perspective it is (see last post for judging), but the way some people dress just impresses the hell out of me.  I could understand if it were a situation like “Oh shit, all my clothes magically incinerated, I gotta throw on WHATEVER I STILL OWN and go to Wal-Mart, where the clothing is affordable and one-hundred times more likely to catch on fire instantaneously, and buy new shit!”  Upon leaving Wal-Mart, dressed better than twenty of their other customers (picked at random) combined, I walk to my car and see Mr. Wal-Mart cart collector guy has parked his little motorized cart thing DIRECTLY behind my car.  Seriously, Wal-Mart has a parking lot the size of Cedar Point.  The cart stall is NO WHERE NEAR MY VEHICLE. Why did you park directly behind me?

#2) After Wal-Mart, I decided to pick up some lunch.  Cause I don’t trust the Subway inside Wal-Mart.  I’m not accusing them of being dirty, but having a place where dirty hair is cut, followed by a place where dirty money is exchanged, then a place where dirty feet are touched, and THEN Subway?  Pass.  The entrance to the BK I went to was right behind the entrance/exit of another restaurant (I just spent twenty minutes trying to spell that word correctly).  As I am nearing my turn, the school bus in front of me stops suddenly.  The cars in the other lane are blowing right by me, but no, this bus has halted, no flashers, no turn signal, notta.  I manage to maneuver (because I follow at unsafe distances while driving) and notice the reason the bus has stopped.  The car attempting to exit the first turn is HALF IN THE ROAD.  Dude, commit or don’t.

When I lived in Pittsburgh, my sister had warned me that if you cause a traffic jam, the other drivers WILL honk at you excessively until you move.  Here?  No.  Because I believe every motorist but myself has some semi-automatic weapon.  Instead, I write about them on the internet.

I'm not impeding your travel, am I?

#3) This one I feel bad about.  I was driving home from grabbing said food, and approached a left hand turn.  Now, I hate left hand turns.  It’s not that I’m bad at them (I’m not.  I’m phenomenal).  It’s the people in front of me.   If I approach a left hand turn with no one in front of me, I know I can make my turn before the oncoming traffic even starts moving.  It’s probably a bad thing that I view driving like a game, isn’t it?  Anyhow, the left hand light was green, arrow too, and I was the fourth car back.  The first two go, albeit slowly, when the van in front of me begins to break.  I notice the left hand arrow light had JUST turned yellow.  I’m sorry, but if the light is going from green to yellow, that means YOU STILL HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.  The worst, it was raining.  I honestly think my front bumper MAY or may not have slightly, gently kissed the van’s rear bumper.  The worst part, honestly, was I yelled out “God!”  and when the light went from yellow to red, I yelled out “DAMMIT!”  I swear a bit.  I don’t like using the Lord’s name when I do, but I think I yelled it so loud my throat burst.  It hurts to drink now.

Moral of today’s story…. Don’t drive like an idiot.  Let me do that.  I’m better at it, anyway.


3 Responses to “And now for something”

  1. Meredith September 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    God made your throat hurt. As a punishment.


  1. Ugh « World's Last Single Guy - October 4, 2011

    […] enough to get sick.  Was it God?  I didn’t mean to use Your name in vain, Sir.  It was the unruly driver ahead of me that sort of forced me to yell it out.  […]

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