Match.com? More like “no thanks” dot net.

8 Sep

I think I am going to be perpetually single. Why? Two reasons, really. 1. I have high standards, which I’ll get to, and 2. The women who meet my standards have higher ones.

For instance, I recently signed up for Match.com, just to give it a go.

If you’ve never been on the site before, the idea is that you list about yourself, say what you’re looking for, then they show you who they think is right for you.

I honestly believe I would have more luck google searching popular female names in Ohio.

To start, describing myself is a task. “Awesome”, “simply awesome,” “semi-awesome,” and “clit flicker” are all unacceptable descriptions by this site’s standards.  So I try my best at being humble, and then it’s on to describing my “match.”

“Cute, has boobs and vagina, and no quarrels over performing fellatio.” Again, unacceptable.  Now my PERFECT woman would be described as funny (as in she gets my humor. She can’t be funnier than me, only laughs when it’s appropriate), attractive (I’m talking bikini body 363 days a year, save Easter and Boxing Day. If Christ comes back, I am NOT with the chick in the two piece), and friendly.  I’ve only come across two such women in the past year, both have boyfriends I’ve never met but can safely assume are A.) douchebags and B.) closet homosexuals.  I don’t really care her chest size, though I prefer smaller chests.  I worry that the bigger breasts would make me look like I’m defusing a bomb.  And seriously, MacGruber was funny, but not during foreplay funny.

I'm gonna shoot!

The website proceeds to throw me every freaking woman under the sun, even some who look as though they may not have seen the sun in years (hey, I get it, Rosacea is real). The ones I do find attractive, or even cute and INTERESTING, are looking for Brad Pitt in Adrian, Michigan.  I think I “winked” at one girl and she actually responded with the groan “ughhh”.  Meanwhile, I continue to get “winks” from women I believe are simply ignoring my “looking for” qualities and think “hey, he likes video games, I look like Pac-Man, we’re a MATCH.”

I also have four kids from five different men. Yer cute, though.

I don’t know, ladies. Think I can catch a break, here?

You know this is going up on Facebook tomorrow

You know this is going up on Facebook tomorrow

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14 Responses to “Match.com? More like “no thanks” dot net.”

  1. keef September 8, 2011 at 2:05 am #

    Ditch the chin strap beard because a) its gay and b) its what I said it is in a). Oh, and its gay.

  2. Keith Godfrey September 8, 2011 at 2:37 am #

    I’m not here to judge it’s looks … I’m here to say it’s highly regarded in the delta bravo community – thus making it gay.

    • Tracy September 9, 2011 at 12:33 am #

      I mean… if straight isn’t landing you the ladies, then by all means, keep the chinstrap and play up the gay. Maybe you’ll trick one into a “platonic sleepover”. Better yet, let a girl think she flipped ya. Chicks love that shit*.

      *speaking as a chick who really doesn’t know what the f*ck chicks think.

      • Tracy September 9, 2011 at 12:38 am #

        Oh em gee. I just realized that you quote Jack Johnson on your Facebook info page. This gay thing might actually be easier for you to pull off than you think.

        PS. I love Jack Johnson, and my husband hates him. I’m okay with it because if he did love JJ, it might make me think that it’s actually him that’s the cause of our fertility issues. Just sayin’.

        Also, I love your blog. Keep it up.

        …that’s what she said.

  3. Tara September 8, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    It’s a little bit gay. Or, at minimum, pretentious.

    You’re cute, though.

  4. Lana May 25, 2013 at 6:07 am #

    Hello friends, nice article and good arguments commented at
    this place, I am genuinely enjoying by these.

  5. Coyan July 30, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the format to your blog. Is this a paid topic or did you customize it your self? Anyway stay up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to peer a great weblog like this one today.

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