Yes, I am stalking you

7 Sep

I should wear this button

Yeah, this is me.

Let’s face it.  Being single and 29 is not easy.  Okay, wait.  Being a male, single, and 29 isn’t easy.  Granted my perspective may be skewed because I lack breasts and a vagina, but seriously, being a dude is difficult.  A single dude.  Why, you may or may not ask?  Because the single ladies are either A.) grotesque or B.) attractive and think you’re a creep.

I’m not saying I am a creep, but let’s talk about the women in the recent past who say I am.

Subject A.)  The ex-girlfriend in Kansas.  Now, our break up happened primarily because she wanted me to rub her back and her neck all the time, and just ONE TIME after sex I farted immediately afterwards.  Anyhow, she broke up with me and proceeded to leave me alone in our SHARED apartment for a weekend.  When she returned, we never communicated.  I remained in our tiny second bedroom with my giant TV/computer monitor, X-Box 360, and a futon from Wal-mart that the HOMELESS would refuse to sleep on.  One day I woke up and she was gone for work, so I had the opportunity to actually enjoy the apartment I was paying over half for.  The lass, because she’s fucking stupid, left her computer on and her Facebook account logged in.  You know when the little angel and devil appear on your shoulder, telling you what you should do?  In this scenario, they agreed from the get-go.  I looked at her Facebook private messages, and the cunt (yes, I used the word!) had told a friend of hers, hours prior to breaking up with me, that she was going to do so later that night.  The next message was to a guy she said was creeping her out, saying “Later tonight, I’ll be meeting up with some friends at such-and-such bar, and oh yeah, I’ll be single by then.”  It’s funny how the creep becomes the prince when the actual prince has left the building.

Purple Rain...PURPLE RAIN!

We actually have the same chest hair.

Subject B.)  The ex-girlfriend of a family-member’s significant other’s cousin.  Yes.  This is mother-fucking 6 degrees here, folks.  This girl, and I hate paying her compliments, but she is a KNOCKOUT.  Her dude broke up with her, but she STILL continued to come around to family get togethers.  My cousin told me “Hey, ***INSERT NAME HERE*** is single, you should hit that shit, buddy.”  Now, maybe it is my misunderstanding, but I figured he meant hit as in sexually.  Looking back on it now, I think he wanted me to mule-kick her like the luche libres in Mexico do.  I, mistakenly, already regarded her as a friend, so via Facebook (got a theme here!), I asked her out.  A week later, she was making out with her dude IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY.  Somehow, at get togethers now, she is regarded warmer than I am.  To my surprise, I found out at my sister’s birthday party (Sorry Jem :(…) that they were all teasing me about “creeping her out.”  6 MONTHS LATER.

So what I’m saying here, is, in one relationship I was the boyfriend, the other I was kinda hoping to be a boyfriend.  Both regarded me as a creep.  So for all future potential girlfriends/dates….I’m already stalking you on facebook.  Don’t worry, I hacked your aunt’s profile.  I know you.  I only send you Farmville requests to let you know I’m still checking in.


I’m gonna go “Like” your status now.

Yeah, that's me, liking you

I think you're pretty


3 Responses to “Yes, I am stalking you”

  1. Crystal September 7, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    Please. Post. More. You are hilarious

  2. Meredith September 9, 2011 at 2:10 am #

    My favorite part was that you actually have the same chest hair as Prince.


  1. I love you…I promise « World's Last Single Guy - September 15, 2011

    […] He also writes on her wall saying he “loves” her.   I’m not stalking, (okay, maybe I am?) it’s just sitting there on the Top News of Facebook.  Top news…good work, Mark […]

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